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PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes
are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of
my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor
do I find that aesthetically pleasing.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is
not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized
bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit
from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or
feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell
the other dog or cat's. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to
Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids
because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your
clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college,
and...
11.
If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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