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Not Raising Hogs
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C
Dear Sir,
I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old trailer
and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my welfare
check.
My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the
Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the
government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to
go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not
to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to
be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies.
I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not
to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I
see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate
inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has
been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them
was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the
first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels
of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to
feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any
information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you
understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Ima Taker
PS Please notify me when you are giving out more free cheese.
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