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Government
tightens its belt!
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United
States of America will be outsourced to India as of December 31, 2005.
The move is being made to save the
President's $400,000 yearly salary,
and also a record $521 billion in
deficit expenditures and related
overhead the office has incurred
during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move
financially. The cost savings should be
significant," stated Congressman
Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with
the aid of the Government Accounting
Office, has studied outsourcing of
American jobs extensively. "We cannot
expect to remain competitive on
the world stage with the current
level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this
morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have
been underway for sometime.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices,
Mumbai, India, will be assuming
the office of President as of
December 31st.
Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Indian parents were
vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus
making him eligible for the
position. He will receive a salary of
$320 (USD) a month but with no
health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be
able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support
staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India, he will be
working primarily at night, when
few offices of the US Government will
be open. "Working nights will
allow me to keep my day job at the
American Express call center,
"stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive
interview. "I am excited about this
position. I always hoped I would be
President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted
that while Mr.Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in
the office of President, this
should not be a problem cause Bush
was not familiar with the issues
either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a
script tree that will enable him to
respond effectively to most topics of
concern. Using these canned
responses, he can address common
concerns without having to understand
the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work,"
stated the spokesperson.
"President Bush has used them
successfully for years." Mr. Singh may
have problems with the Texas drawl,
but lately Bush has abandoned the
"down home"
persona in his effort to appear
intelligent and on top of the Katrina
situation.
Bush will receive health coverage,
expenses, and salary until his final
day of employment. Following a two
week waiting period, he will be
eligible for $240 a week unemployment
for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he
will not be eligible for Medicaid, as
his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the
outplacement services of Manpower, Inc.
to help him write a resume and
prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may
have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical
work experience. A Greeter position
at Wal-Mart was suggested due to
Bush's extensive experience shaking
hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's
re-enlistment in the Texas Air National
Guard.
His prior records are conspicuously
vague but should he choose this
option, he would likely be stationed
in Waco, TX for a month, before
being sent to Iraq, a country he has
visited. "I've been there, I know
all about Iraq,"
stated Mr. Bush, who gained
invaluable knowledge of the country in a
visit to the Baghdad Airport's
terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say
Mr. Bush would receive a warm
reception from local Iraqis. They
have asked to be provided with
details of his arrival so that they
might arrange an appropriate
welcome.
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