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Ragging
on France
1. "I would rather have a German division in front of me
than a French one behind me." General George S. Patton.
2. Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion." Norman Schwartzkopf.
3. "We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." Marge
Simpson
4. "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" Jacques Chirac,
President of France.
"Well as far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush
Limbaugh
5. "The only time France wants others to go to war is when the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin.
6. "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris
and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting
inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know." P.J O'Rourke (1989).
7. "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s
who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for
it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.
8. "You know why the French didn't want to get Saddam Hussein? Because he hates
America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is so French." Conan O'Brien
9. "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either" Jay Leno.
10. "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris
under a German flag." David Letterman
11. Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. Ted
Nugent.
12. War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II. Tom Brokaw.
13. "What do you expect from a culture and a nation that
exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than
the Nazis?" Dennis Miller.
14. "It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us." Alan Kent
15. "They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida.
To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white
flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton
16. "Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being
advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped
once.' Roy Blunt
17. "The French will only agree to go support the war when we've proven we've
found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller
18. Raise your right hand if you like the French .... raise both hands if you
are French.
19. Q: What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army
as they entered the city in WWII?
A: Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
20. "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known,
it's never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)
21. "Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And
that's because it was raining."
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
22. The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The
only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
23. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military
capability.
24. French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney, Paris, March 5, 2003. The French
Government announced today that
it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes
the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles
outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to
surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
25. Q: What'd you call a French fighter jet coming to the aide of his American
and British allies in the Iraqi desert?
A: A mirage.
26. Q. How do you tell a French Army Knife from
a Swiss Army Knife?
A. When you open
the French Army Knife, all you get are little white flags.
Mario, Guerilla Reporter,
Kentucky
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