Jefferson Review

"Your Liberty is Our Interest"

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> >WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE -

> >But what do you expect from such simple creatures?

> >~ Your last name stays put.

> >~ The garage is all yours.

> >~ Wedding plans take care of themselves.

> >~ Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.

> >~ Chocolate is just another snack.

> >~ You can be president.

> >~ You can never be pregnant.

> >~ Car mechanics tell you the truth.

> >~ The world is your urinal.

> >~ You never have to drive to another gas station

> restroom because

> >this one is just too icky.

> >~ One mood - all the time.

> >~ Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

> >~ You know stuff about Army tanks.

> >~ A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

> >~ You can open all your own jars.

> >~ You get extra credit for the slightest act of

> thoughtfulness.

> >~ If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can

> still be your friend.

> >~ Your underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.

> >~ You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

> >~ You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

> >~ Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

> >~ You almost never have strap problems in public.

> >~ You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

> >~ Everything on your face stays its original color.

>

> >~ The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe

> decades.

> >~ You only have to shave your face and neck.

> >~ You can play with toys all your life.

> >~ Your belly usually hides your big hips.

> >~ One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for

> all seasons.

> >~ You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

>

> >~ You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

> >~ You have freedom of choice concerning growing a

> mustache.

> >~ You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on

> December 24 in 25 minutes.

> >~ You don't have to stop and think of which way to

> turn a nut on a bolt.

> >~ Same work, more pay.

> >~ Wrinkles add character

> >~ People never stare at your chest when you're

> talking to them

> >~ The occasional well-rendered belch is practically

> expected.

> >~ New shoes don't cut, blister, or pinch

> >

> >No wonder men are happier!

> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> 

> >BLONDES...

> >FIRST DEGREE-

> >~ A married couple were asleep when the phone rang

> at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the

> phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200

> miles  from here!"

> and hung up.

> >~ The husband said, "Who was that?"

> >~ The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting

> to know if the coast is clear." > > SECOND DEGREE -

> >Two blondes are walking down the street. One

> notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She

> opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks

> familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first

> blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and

> says, "You dummy, it's me!" > THIRD DEGREE -

> >A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,

> so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly

> and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

> Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the

> gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun

> and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do

> it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

> >FOURTH DEGREE -

> >A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state

> capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A

> friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde

> replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

> >FIFTH DEGREE -

> >What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her

> she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE -

> >Bambi, a blonde in her third year as a UCLA

> freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if

> she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then

> finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make

> before he crossed the Delaware."

> >SEVENTH DEGREE -

> >Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to

> find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at

> once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call

> on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to

> respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a

> leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the

> cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her

> hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I

> call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND

> policeman."

> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> >CHRISTMAS WARNING...

> >Christmas has been canceled and it is all your

> fault because you told Santa

> >you had been good this year.

> >

> >And he died laughing

> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> >ICE SKATING...

> >~ One winter, when I was a kid, I asked my dad if I

> could go ice skating.   "Wait 'til it gets warmer",

> was his reply.

> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> >THE BARKING DOG...

> >Our dog, Spot, suddenly began barking daily at 4

> a.m.

> >Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched

> the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid

> animal.

> >For three nites he found nothing amiss.

> >Then the dog woke up the neighborhood at 3 a.m.

> with frantic barking.

> >When Larry looked out the window, he discovered

> someone throwing pebbles

> >to land near Spot.

> >Larry hurried outside and found the culprit.

> >Crouching on the other side of the fence was our

> quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing.

> >My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

> >"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed

> neighbor explained. "If she loses her beauty sleep another night, she

> says she'll leave."

> >=============

> >The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody

> has the same size bucket.

> >To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely Do you realize that in

> >about 40 years, we'll have

> thousands of old ladies running

> >around with tattoos and belly button holes!

> >Money can't buy happiness-but somehow it's more

> comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

> >Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel

> single.

> >Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of

> Halloween

> >The only two things we do with greater frequency in

> middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

> >After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in

> every joint, you are probably dead.

> >================

> >Don't cry because it's over; smile because it

> happened!

> >-o- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> >ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A COW ~ Wake up in a

> >happy mooo-d.

> >~ Don't cry over spilled milk.

> >~ When chewing your cud, remember. . .There is no

> fat, no calories, no cholesterol !

> >~ The grass is greener on the other side of the

> fence.

> >~ Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

> >~ Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's

> worth!

> >~ It's better to be seen and not herd.

> >~ Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your

> udder relatives.

> >~ Never take any bull from anybody.

> >~ Always let them know who's bossy!

> >~ Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.

> >~ Black and white is always an appropriate fashion

> statement.

> >~ Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

> >

> >GEMS MAY BE PRECIOUS,

> >BUT FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS!

> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

> >

> >

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