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Gift Wrapping

 Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday season. Remember, the Christmas

 season by tradition lasts until January 6th with the arrival of the

 Three Wise Men in Bethlehem.

 This is the time of year when we think back to the very first

 Christmas,when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to

 see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented

 unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

 These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an

 important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention

 of wrapping paper.

 If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: "And lo,

 the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper.  And the paper was

 festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.  And Joseph was going

 to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth

 it!  That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did

 rolleth his eyeballs.  And the baby Jesus was more interested in the

 paper than the frankincense."

 But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very

 first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.  This is because the people

 giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

 1. They were wise.

 2. They were men.

 Men are not big gift wrappers.  Men do not understand the point of

 putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.  This is

 not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical

 survey of two guys I know.

 One is Joe, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such

 a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

 The other is Steve, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of

 principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.  "No one ever had

 to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Steve said.  "They

 were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

 I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can

 never completely wrap them.  I can take a gift the size of a deck of

 cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size

 of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping,

 you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out.  (Sometimes I

 camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

 If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower

 half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the

 other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she

 can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.  My wife, like many women, actually likes

 wrapping things.  If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she

 wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a

 symptom of mental illness. If it were possible,my wife would wrap each

 individual volt.  My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills

 like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That

 is why today I am presenting GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

 * Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,

 when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you

 can claim that it's myrrh.

 * The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on

 how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an

 apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food

 coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

 * If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!

 Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows

 on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the

 lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

 YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the

 tree?

 YOU: It's a gift for you! See? It has a bow!

 YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf

 blower.

 YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

 YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

 YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

 In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give,

 or how you wrap it.  The important thing, during this very special time

 of year, is that you save the receipt.

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