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Church Humor
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable
in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments" answered the lady.
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Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord,
it's morning."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along
with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give
you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step
in exhaust."
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the
teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before
a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were
many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a
vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the
delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready
for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the
same in my business."
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the
center of attention.
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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I
know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you
mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy,
Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get
your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is
coming."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick
and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute
wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll
have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about
the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much
as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100
or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled
Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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