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> Airline tales All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make
the
> in-flight "safety lecture" and their
> other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples
> that have been heard or reported:
> ...............................................................
>
> On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,the
pilot
> said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've
> reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This
is
> for your comfort and to enhance the
> appearance of your flight attendants."
> ..............................................................
>
> On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
> belongings. If you're going to leave anything,
> please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
> ...............................................................
>
>
> There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
> this airplane"
> ..............................................................
>
>
> "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us
> the business as much as we
> enjoyed taking you for a ride."
> ...............................................................
>
>
> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice
> came over the loudspeaker:
> "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
> ...............................................................
>
>
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight
> attendant on a Northwest flight
> announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because,
> after a landing like that, sure
> as hell everything has shifted."
> ..............................................................
>
>
> >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
> to
> Tampa. To operate your
> seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
> just like every other seat belt;
> and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
in
> public unsupervised.
> ..............................................................
>
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the
> ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
> mask, and pull it over your face. If you are traveling with more than one
> small child, pick your favorite.
> ..............................................................
>
>
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll
> try to have them fixed before we
> arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more
than
> Southwest Airlines."
> ..............................................................
>
>
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to
> shore and take them with our compliments."
> ..............................................................
>
>
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
> Please place the bag over your own
> mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like
> children."
> ..............................................................
>
>
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
> among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
> ..............................................................
>
>
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased
to
> have some of the best flight
> attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
> flight!"
> ..............................................................
>
> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
> City: The flight attendant came on
> the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
> thinking. I'm here to tell
> you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
> the flight attendant's fault ...it was
> the asphalt."
> ..............................................................
>
> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
> particularly windy and bumpy day:
> During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After
> an extremely hard landing,
> the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
> Please remain in your
> seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
> our airplane to the gate!"
> ...............................................................
>
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask
> you to please remain seated as
> Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
> ..............................................................
>
>
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The
> airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
> while the passengers exited, smile, and
> give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
his
> bad landing, he had a hard time looking
> the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment.
> Finally everyone had gotten off
> except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sir, do you
mind
> if I ask you a question?"
>
> "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?"
>
> The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
> ...............................................................
>
> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
> please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought
the
> aircraft to a
> screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and
> the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage
> to the terminal."
> ..............................................................
>
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the
> next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
> pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll
> think of US Airways."
> ..............................................................
>
> A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable
> cruising altitude, the
> captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen,
this
> is your captain
> speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
> Angeles. The weather
> ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight.
> Now sit back and
> relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the
> captain came back on the
> intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
> earlier. While I was talking
> to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot
> coffee in my lap. You
> should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's
> nothing. You should see
> the back of mine!"
> ...............................................................
>
> AND my favorite that I heard myself on a Southwest Airline flight.
"Ladies
> and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
> the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light
> 'em, you can smoke 'em.
> ...............................................................
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