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Bank Letter
The letter to the bank below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 80
year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published
in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that
it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be; communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
Lydia B. Hodgson
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