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What To Tell A Telemarketer
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy
and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ."
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it
is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there,
how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they
have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
I'm with XYZ Company. You: Wait for a second and with a real husky
voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as
she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep
a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if
you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would
you be
my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up
louder . . . louder . . ..
10. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if
he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her
back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give
out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me neither!"
Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack
your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.
16. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
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