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Letter to the Bank
The guy who wrote this is a genius. The letter to a bank below is
an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, some 30 minutes must have elapsed between his presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement,
which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience, I caused
to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path
of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I
am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment
and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised of the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls
and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will
be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system,
which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at
your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at
any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as
follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. to transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access
my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later
date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on
occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of
the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie":
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults
are filled with silver, That the miners sweated
for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost, which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read
for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed
at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. New phone service runs at 75
cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to
the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy,
if?
ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,
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