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Clem's Mission Testin Station

or

Makin Money Da Easy Way

By Thomas Crane

Jeb:   Hi Maw, where's Clem?

Maw:  Clem’s out back makin da Mission Testin Station.

Jeb:    Mission Testin Station, whut's dat?

Maw:   Ever since Clem come back from da big city he said

           he ain't ploughin dat field no more wid Old Lucy.

           He gonna set up a Mission Testin Station.

 Jeb:    How he gonna make money dat way?

 Maw:   Well, he said dem fellas in Wash-ing-tun is makin

            lots a money wid dem Mission Testin Stations.

            He dun watched dat man run dem cars on dem

             die-ne-moes and dey scoopin in all kinds a money.

             He said dem Fat Cats in Wash-ing-tun is all rich

            on account of dem Mission Testin stations.

   Jeb:    But how he gonna do dat?  Dere ain't no pollution in

             des parts?  And besides, how dat gonna work?

   Maw:   He got Cousin Zeke hiddin up in dem woods burnin

             brush ta make lots a smoke and blowin down da

              hills.  Clem say you can't make money wid out

              pollution.  Den he dun take dem rollers outta my

              wringer washer and mounted dem in a box so's da

              cars can run on dem.   Den he takes da hose off

              da vacumn which he is gonna stick in da tailpipes.

              Da other end goes in da box he made.  Dat box

              got little lights.  One is green, da other is yellow

               and da worst is red.  Den he take my window fan

               an he gonna plug it in an blow air in front of da

               cars.

  Jeb:       But how he gonna make money?

  Maw:     Well, he gonna run dem cars on dem rollers and

               da fumes go into da box.  Den he presses da

                buttons ta turn on dem lights.  Green, he likes ya

                like he likes Daisy Mae.  Den yellow, you owes

                him $450 ta get your car back.  Den red, you

                flunks and Clem puts da car in da barn where

                Lucy, da mule, kicks da heck out of it and den

                Clem sells da car for scrap.

    Jeb:      But, Maw, dats extortion!  How he gonna do all

                dat widdout gettin in trouble wid da law?

    Maw:    Clem said he already figure dat out.  Da Sheriff

                is already in on it.  Clem gonna give him fifty-

                fifty.  Clem said da Sheriff gonna help haul em in

                for Mission Testin, like it or not.

     Jeb:     Maw, dat don't sound right.  Somethings wrong.

     Maw:    Ain't nothin wrong.  Aunt Bess, she live in da Big

                City and she Mission Tested all da time.   Dem

                City Slickers knows how ta do it, so why not

                Clem?   He ain't no dummer then the rest of

                 them.  Clem said once he get goin he gonna

                 open up lots of dem Mission Testin Stations.

                 He gonna hire lobby type people and put dem

                 political types in his back pocket like he did

                 da Sheriff.   Hallelujah!   Now we is all gonna

                  get rich like dem Wash-ing-tun type people.

                  Dat Clem, he's my boy!

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