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Simple
Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, to show a
respectful amount of attention. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my pneumatic nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need
from you on this subject is "early." See rule ten.
Rule Five:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but
her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Six:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more
than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process
that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my
car?
Rule Seven:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there is comfortable seating, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies
with strong romantic themes are to be avoided at all costs; movies which
features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Eight:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a backhoe, and eighty acres behind the house. Do not mess with me.
Rule Nine:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of
your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me
to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you
pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule Ten:
When you arrive to pick up my daughter I will require a
twenty dollar deposit. If my daughter is home before 10 PM this deposit will be
returned to you. If you are driving "Dad's Range Rover", any car that looks
like it was starred in "The Fast and the Furious" or any car that I deem risky,
such as one with a large back seat, for example, the deposit is fifty dollars,
mandatory return time 9:30.
You think you know it all. You don't, I do. I was you
- thirty years ago. I not only know what you're thinking right now, I know
what you will be thinking in a wide variety of circumstances. Be a gentleman at
all times. This can be difficult, but will be immensely rewarding. Being a
gentleman allows you to continue to enjoy the little pleasures of life, like
respiration.
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