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The workout
Dear Diary:
For my 40th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since being a member of the high school bowling team, I decided
it would be a good idea to give it a try. I called the health club and made
my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified
himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday: Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for
me. He is something of a Greek God - with blonde hair, dancing eyes, a
dazzling white smile and a deep sexy voice. Woo Hoo! Bruce gave me a tour
and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to him in his lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring! Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week, I am already planning to join.
Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT, it's a whole new life for me!
Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it, my damn arms hurt
too bad to do it the regular way. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving to the club was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot because I could not
pull my leg up to brake. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for
that early in the morning and when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me this
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit, too.
Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire! -like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to
workout with the dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the
women's room. He sent Lana (the bitch) to find me, as punishment he put me
on the rowing machine, which I sank.
Friday: I hate the bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of mankind! Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body that could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the #!*%!*$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
twinky. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel from the couch.
Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week from Hell is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a
root canal or a hysterectomy!
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