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NEW
Human Resources RULES
RULES FOR TAKING LEAVE SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness; If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To
have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year - they are called Saturday &
Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation
days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If
you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees
may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in
writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can
look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain the average figure; Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see
you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed
elsewhere.
Have a nice day!
Management
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