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Try A Little Unkindness  (No Whining Allowed)

By Theresa Fritz Camoriano

I have learned in the school of hard knocks that being nice and kind-hearted frequently can be very harmful, especially to the person I am trying to help.  For example, back in the early 1980’s, we lived in Milwaukee, and there were many recent Russian immigrants who were trying to find jobs.  Since many of the immigrants were engineers, and I was an engineer and spoke Russian, I was able to help prepare resumes to explain their education and job experience and to help them find work.  I enjoyed being able to help, and most of the immigrants that I helped were very appreciative of my efforts, found jobs, and, as far as I know, became productive members of society.  However, there was one particular couple that seemed to need more help than others.  They just never seemed to be satisfied.  In addition to preparing resumes for both the husband and the wife, I spent many weeks tutoring them in English.  They found work in Milwaukee, but still they were not satisfied with the jobs they had, wanting to find something that made better use of their education. 

Eventually, with the help of my father, we were able to find jobs for both of them down in Houston.  I tried to explain to them that the U.S. was not like Russia, that jobs here were not guaranteed, and that they should save money for a rainy day.  They both earned very good salaries, but they did not save their money.  Instead, they ran up as much debt as the lenders would permit.  Then, when the economic bust hit Houston, they lost their jobs and their house.  The next time I saw them, they snubbed me.  I learned that they blamed me for all their misfortune! 

Obviously, they did not believe that my help had been very helpful.  While, at the time, I considered them to be extremely rude and ungrateful, and, of course I still feel that way to some extent, I now understand that, while trying to help, I really had done them a disservice.  These people were whiners, and whiners do not benefit from pampering.  Instead, they needed a reality check.  They would have been much better off if I had not helped them quite as much – if I had allowed them to remain in Milwaukee and struggle more for themselves.

Similarly, as a parent, I frequently find myself having to invoke “tough love”, painfully permitting our children to fall flat on their faces so they can learn how to get up and stand on their own two feet.  The other day, I refused to buy my daughter Andrea something to drink when we were out running errands, even though she was very thirsty, because I am trying to teach her to work for the things she wants and to handle money responsibly.  I told her it would be very easy for me to buy her the drink, and it was very painful to say “No”.  She said it looked pretty easy to her – that I seemed to tell her “No” all the time!  Ouch!  Kids sure know how to push our buttons!  But I know that I have to be tough and allow her to struggle if I want her to become a capable, independent adult.  I would not be doing her any favor if I felt sorry for her and shielded her from the consequences of her spending habits.

Just this past week, I encountered two different immigrants to Louisville.  Being an immigrant is a struggle -- there are language barriers, cultural barriers, and so forth -- and I am inclined to reach out and try to help these folks.  However, I have learned from my past experiences to be more careful, and I try not to help to the point of doing harm. 

The first immigrant was a woman from Russia, who came here with her young son and is being sponsored by a relief organization.   I spent some time trying to keep her son out of the street while she made a phone call to let her family know she had arrived here safely.  The son happily ignored my warnings to be careful as he ran around the parking lot.  When she returned, I asked her what she was planning to do for a job now that she was in Louisville.  I told her that I had prepared many resumes for Russian immigrants years ago and would be willing to help her as well.  She responded that her first task is to learn English, and that she would begin to think about finding a job after that.  She did not appear to be a whiner, but she did appear to be one of those people who would benefit from having to do some struggling.  I hope the relief agency does not shield her from reality for too long. 

The second immigrant was a man from Mexico who has been working here as a roofer.  He had been arrested and taken away by the police, and his friends called us because they were very worried about him.  He had been gone for 24 hours, and they had not heard from him and did not know where he was or what had happened to him.  So, I began calling jails and found him.  We have helped him a little bit, but we have been careful not to help too much.  He and his friends need to learn from this experience, and we would not be doing them any favors if we shielded them too much.  I must say that I certainly am much more impressed by the attitude of these Mexican immigrants, who are not being helped by any relief organization, than I am by the attitude of the Russian woman.  I admire their pulling together to help each other, their willingness to work very hard, and their expression of genuine appreciation for the help we have provided.  These folks certainly are no whiners. 

It is too bad that our government is not willing to treat these Mexican workers fairly.  We seem to think that it is kind-hearted or generous to look the other way as they come here illegally to do the many jobs that locals refuse to do.  However,  by allowing them to be here illegally, we are leaving them vulnerable to all kinds of abuse.  They are abused by smugglers who bring them in, charge exorbitant prices, and sometimes leave them to die in sweltering, locked trailers; they are abused by police who ask to see their identification and then steal the money from their wallets, knowing they will be afraid to say anything; and they are abused by employers, who do not keep their word to pay what was promised for a job, knowing they cannot go to the courts to enforce a contract.  Either we should enforce our immigration laws strictly, keeping these workers out of the country and being willing to suffer the economic consequences, or we should provide a mechanism by which they can acquire temporary work permits to enable them to work here legally.  There certainly is nothing “kind-hearted” about our current policy.

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