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Dear Secretary of Agriculture,
My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check the
other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to
raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I
would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or
Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate
inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not
raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to
operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not
raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I
can buy an airplane.
Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels
of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed
the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as
soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year
to not raise hogs and grain.
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any
information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that the
government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps as well. Be assured that you will have my vote in
the coming elections.
Patriotically yours,
Duster Benton
PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?
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