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To ensure we never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent
on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people.
They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline
pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the
President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.
Pause a moment and take the following test.
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from Ballard;
(b) Elvis;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists screeching that being able to throw a grenade beyond its
own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2;"
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train
thing; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a)Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wee Willie's women problems;
(c) the WWF, to promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless;" or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny,
(b) the Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of
the 2000 Presidential election;
(c) Mr. Bean; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
(Scoring: If you answered "d" to any of the above, you are not eligible for
hiring as an airport security screener. If, however, you answered any other
letter on any of the above questions, you too are eligible for a low paying,
dead end job. If you are half blind, over 83, and have the attention span of a
4-year old, you get special consideration.)
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