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Lenten Suggestions For
Truly Sorry People
by Randy Barker
Lent is upon us. And, in case you don't exactly know what that is, it's the 40
weekdays and six Sundays from Ash Wednesday through the Saturday before Easter.
But more significantly, it's a time for fasting and being sorry for your
wrongdoings, a time for giving up something as an act of penance.
Now, sincerely sorry people probably already have a good idea what would be
appropriate for them to forego. But others, the truly sorry, may not. That's
why, out of the goodness of my heart, I've made a list of suggestions some of
the sorriest among us might want to give up during Lent.
Usama bin Laden should give up kidney dialysis, or perhaps simply give
up.
Secretary of State Colin Powell should practice abstinence from talking
about condoms. Sexually-tinged "Boxers or briefs?"-type questions from a
world-wide MTV audience would be better left to the Undersecretary for
International Affairs.
Texas A&M Researchers who created CC the Cat should give up cloning house
pets and clone supposedly-endangered species like Klamath River Suckerfish and
Southwest Willow Flycatchers. This would help save truly-endangered species like
Oregon Farmers and New Mexico Ranchers, not to mention the once-sacred principle
of property rights.
France and Russia should disband their Axis Of Evil in figure skating
judging.
The quid pro quo between these two rogue states is almost as unseemly as the
relationship between the Clinton Administration and Bernard Schwartz of Loral
who gave $1.5 million to the Democrat National Committee, and whose company was
not prosecuted for illegally transferring missile technology to Communist China.
China, of course, is the premier arms merchant for Iraq, Iran and North Korea,
the countries that comprise President Bush's Axis Of Evil.
Senator Tom Daschle should give back any campaign contributions from
bigwigs at Homestake Mining, a Canadian-owned gold mining company with
operations in his home state of South Dakota. In a dead-of-night deal, Daschle
succeeded in getting U.S. taxpayers to insure the Canadian company against
environmental damage liability, sticking this foreign bailout on the U.S.
Defense Department Appropriations Bill.
Linda Daschle should quit her airline lobbyist job while she's ahead. She
has somehow successfully lobbied the Congress, of which her husband is Senate
Majority Leader, to help bail out the airlines after 9/11, and secured
legislation that requires the FAA to buy airline baggage scanners from one of
her clients, scanners that have proven universally defective, but because of the
legislation, must still be bought.
Democrat National Committee Head Terry McAuliffe should give away some of
the $17,900,000 profit he made from the now bankrupt Global Crossing, possibly
to a defense fund for former Clinton Secretary of Defense William Cohen, who is
a Global Crossing Director. After investing $100,000 in his friend Gary
Winnick's company, McAuliffe managed to make a 18,000 % profit, much more than
the more famous $1,000 to $100,000 cattle futures bonanza Hillary Clinton made
with the help of friends at Arkansas' famous Tyson Corporation.
Hillary Clinton should swear off being jealous of Terry McAuliffe. It
might also be good to surrender some of the $75,000 in furniture and $285,000 in
large gifts the House Government Reform Committee says that she and Bill took
from the White House . The Justice Department is reportedly looking into the
matter for possible criminal misconduct.
Senator John McCain should give up pushing so-called election reform, and
realize that people have forgotten he was a member of the "Keating Five"
scandal. And since Global Crossing generally gave more to Democrats, the media
will downplay that scandal, saying little about McCain being the #1 recipient of
Global Crossing cash. So he no longer has to redeem himself by sponsoring
unconstitutional legislation that would protect incumbents, and further empower
the Democrat-leaning press and labor unions.
Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill should refrain from making thinly-veiled
references to Senator Robert C. Byrd's service as West Virginia's Klu Klux Klan
Kleagle, something that's just isn't talked about in Washington. He should know
by now that it's only acceptable to make claims of Republican racism, and those
can be totally unsubstantiated.
And finally, Greta Van Susteren, now at FOX News, should give up all
pretense of being anything but the liberal-biased "CNN Person" former Clinton
strategist Dick Morris has accused her of being. Apparently, cosmetic surgery on
one's eyes doesn't necessarily open them.
Randy Barker, a free-lance advertising copywriter
in Lexington, can be reached at randybarker@aol.com
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