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Andy Rooney Lives
On Ads In Bills: - Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk
mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when
I mail it in. Coffee grounds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this
away for me? Thank You."
On Fabric Softener: - My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk
off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's
hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes: - My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be,
Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Morning Differences: - Men and women are different in the morning. The men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want
you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the
morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our
optic nerve.
On Pregnancy: - It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking.
They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel
awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God ... give me your hand ...
it won't be long now ..."
On Grandma: - My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
.... out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons: - Did you know it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into
my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't
think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have
to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity ... and if
they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the
generator.
On Award Shows: - Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls: - You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't
know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know."
"Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I
DON'T KNOW!"(Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what
you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood
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