Notices
Letters
Light Side
Commentaries
by:
Recent
Articles
|
Subject:
Pilot Speak
Who says pilots and air traffic controllers have no sense of humor?
Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control
towers from around the world:
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made
a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground
controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air
2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way;
you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's
difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it
right"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever
to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, USAir 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the ground
control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air
Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her
current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly
after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an
unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to
you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to
make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
If not able, take the Guadeloup exit off of Highway 101 and make a right
at the light to return to the airport."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
"Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a
Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing
stupid!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the
way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got
that Fokker in sight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird
206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you
never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of
Boeing, but just to drop something off, I didn't stop."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich,
Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.
This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any
longer)
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer, you must speak
English."
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you
lost the bloody war!"
|
 |
