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Ironies of Life

Ironies

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas . . . I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave a footprint on your heart.

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