Notices
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Light Side
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> December 1
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place
> on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.
> There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing
traditional
> carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows
> up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of
gifts
> among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be
over
>
>
> $10.
>
>
> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> Patty Lewis
> Human Resources Director
>
>
> *****
>
>
> December 2nd
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees.
> We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often
coincides
> with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from
now on
> we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to
> employees
> who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas
tree
> and
> no Christmas
> carols sung.
>
>
> Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> Patty Lewis
> Human Resources Director
>
>
> *****
>
>
> December 3rd
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>
> Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics
> Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate
this
> request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,
"AA
> Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about
the
> gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel
that
> $10
> is too much money.
>
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Researchers Director
>
>
> *****
>
>
> December 7th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>
> I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from
> the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest
> to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
do
> not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes,
there
> will
> be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
>
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Racehorses Director
>
>
> *****
>
>
> December 9th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>
> People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to
play
> Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to
be "Satan,"
> there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit."
>
>
> Patty Lewis
> Human Ratraces
>
>
> *****
>
>
> December 10th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>
> Vegetarians-I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this
party
> at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at
the
> table farthest from the grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get
> salad
> bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have
> feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream.
> I'm
> hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive
> drunk
> and die, you hear me?
>
>
> The Bitch from Hell
>
>
> *****
>
>
> December 14th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
>
>
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery
> from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards
to
> her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel
> our
> HolidayParty and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with
full
> pay.
>
>
> Happy Holidays!
> Terri Bishop
> Acting Human Resources Director
>
>
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