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Nude dancing distance set, stealth NBA deal

by George Baumler

The Louisville Board of Aldermen, as protector of public morality, has set the distances between dancers and patrons at local strip bars featuring adult entertainment.  The board, knowing full well that the adult public cannot be trusted, has acted to take the place of proper upbringing and individual social responsibility and named itself keeper of the collective conscience of Louisville.  Righteous are these keepers of the sacred measuring tapes, which will be used to precisely determine the distance between dancers and adult patrons.  Although these establishments are privately owned, the Board feels it has the duty to regulate all that goes on inside.

In other news, the Board of Aldermen and The Mayor have held secret negotiations with the owners of the NBA franchise know as the Hornets.  Not wanting a repeat of the last set of open meetings at which protesters objected to the abuse of taxpayers money to fund an NBA franchise and new arena, these meetings were held at secret locations and the taxpayers were kept in the dark.  Sports worshipers are told the negotiations are going well and the arena and franchise deals are in the bag.  Little mention is made of the cost to other taxpayers, who may or may not care for basketball or other sports.  No prospects for private funding have yet been considered.  The Mayor, Dave Armstrong, is said to be on board and willing to strong-arm taxpayers for funding

These very moral men (Louisville Board of Aldermen of nude dancing measuring tape fame) see little wrong with spending public money on failing sports franchises and extravagant arenas to house them or holding negotiations in secret to stifle protest.  Of course they are spending our money for our own good for legitimate municipal services such as professional basketball.  “Professional sports Franchises shall be paid out of taxpayer funds”, reads the city charter  -- doesn’t it?  These good and moral folks are just the sort who should be determining what sort of entertainment adults view, especially when the money spent by patrons of cabarets could be used to help pay the salaries of pro-sports player and owners.