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Needs

    I’ve come to the realization that I am hopelessly out of date.  Among the things that my old values no longer seem to apply to is government.  Libertarians and other limited government types don’t seem to understand that the purpose of government is to fulfill needs.  It doesn’t matter that the needs can be better filled by the private sector; government must meet needs no matter how cost ineffective its programs might be.  In the spirit of this newfound enlightenment, I’d like to discuss some of my needs.

  First of all, my needs are as boundless as my ability to pay for them is limited.  One of the needs I want the government to fill is my health care needs, which are growing ever more expensive due to my cigarette habit.  That brings to mind my need for less expensive or better yet, free cigarettes.  Current government programs are not meeting my needs, and as my health is deteriorating, I find it beyond my means to pay for my own heath care needs and cigarettes.  I also need transportation, since I lost my job and license due to need of sobriety lockout devices on big diesel rigs.  Another need of mine is a light-rail system from my home to a beverage shop, where I can purchase libations to relieve my tensions over my health care and tobacco needs.

  Of course, I have food and housing needs, too.  Since I am in such poor health and have a self-medication addiction disease, I am unable to purchase all the red meat and fast foods that my 360-pound body requires.  Again, current programs are inadequate and too restrictive to meet my needs.  My special housing needs are obvious, since I need extra wide doors and extra heavy-duty furnishings to enter, exit and support my bulk, not to mention the fact that rental housing is beneath my dignity and would seriously harm my self-esteem.  Also, the medicines I purchase down at the beverage shop are very expensive.  I need a program that will pay for those as well as food and a respectable home.

  I also have a deeper intellectual side, which from time to time needs some stimulation, which is why I think the government should fund a professional basketball team and an arena to go with it.  My amusement and entertainment should be one of the top priorities of the state, local and federal governments.  There’s nothing as enriching to a society as sports, which is why I love to watch them on a big screen TV, since we don’t yet have an arena with extra large seating and ashtrays.  My intellectual side is also stimulated by cable television, which is why we need a government program to purchase cable for me so I can be adequately entertained.  I also like other fancy art, plays, pictures, paintings, statues and stuff like that, as well as mud wrestling, which is why there should be programs to provide them to me at no cost.   These needs are obviously the responsibility of the government, since they are all beyond my meager means.  I’m sure I’ll develop more needs a lot sooner than I develop more ability or better work habits.  Somebody’s got to pay for my growing needs!