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April 1 Special Announcement:

Green Party Announces Initiative To Reduce Greenhouse Gases

Yesterday, Ralph Nader, leader of the Green Party, announced that, despite the fact that all refineries, electrical generating plants, and coal mines have now been shut down, we are still generating too much carbon dioxide (aka the greenhouse gas).  Some scientists agree that carbon dioxide causes global warming, which will melt the icebergs, raise the sea level, and cause Louisville, Kentucky to become the new Acapulco.  The source of this remaining gas has been traced to animals and humans, who regularly exhale it as part of their respiration process. 

For the survival of the whole world, Nader says that we need to reduce the number of creatures who inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.  It is hoped that the extreme poverty that has already been caused by shutting down all sources of energy needed by industry will cause enough starvation and disease to significantly reduce the carbon dioxide production.  However, if that is not sufficient, other measures will have to be taken.  "We cannot intentionally reduce the numbers of animals, since they are part of nature and cannot be disturbed, so the next step would be a selective culling of the human population."  While some have suggested that this would be murder, Nader replied that, while it may be unpleasant, it is necessary to break a few eggs in order to make an omelet, and this must be done for the survival of society as a whole.

While the decision as to which populations are to be reduced is still being studied, and Nader has not volunteered himself or any of his Green followers as the appropriate population to be reduced, the method for reducing the population has been selected.  "We cannot use guns, because they are evil.  We cannot use gas chambers, because they cause additional air pollution.  The preferred method will be hanging, using natural fiber hemp rope, which is recyclable." 

We urge you to hold your breath, as you wait for the next exciting developments!