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Special April 1 Announcement:

Mayor Dave Armstrong Announces New Arena and More!

The Mayor of Louisville and the entire city council are very disappointed that they were not able to land the Grizzlies NBA team for the city.  "This would have put Louisville on the map!", said Mayor Armstrong, holding up a map of the United States, in which the area of Louisville was a large blank.  The city is now redoubling its efforts to lure a team, because it believes that this form of entertainment will help the city thrive. 

In order to make the city more attractive to the next available team, Armstrong has announced that the city will now build a $250 million arena in the hopes of landing a team.  Until a team is landed, the arena will be referred to as "The Empty Bucket".  "We have to get this project started quickly, before the city goes out of business and the merged government takes over," the Mayor remarked.  When asked whether the average family of four would approve of spending over a thousand dollars of their taxes on this project, Mayor Armstrong said, "We can't trust the people to spend their money wisely.  If we didn't take the $1,000 from each family to spend on an arena, they might just entertain themselves with pizza, beer, and home videos!  Besides, everyone knows that private enterprise is not capable of handling large construction projects like an arena, and that only a tax-based, government project can successfully complete such a large project."  (The mayor made his announcement from the pulpit of Southeast Christian Church, which expects 80,000 people to attend its Easter play this year.)

Armstrong also announced that the city will  build luxury condominiums along the river near the old railroad bridge.  A 20-year free lease to the condos will be given away to "the right people", who will spend their money downtown, thus helping the economic development of the area.  The Mayor said he hoped that lots of wealthy people would take him up on his offer of a free condo, and he estimates that the $300 million cost of the project will be more than compensated by the additional tax revenue the city will receive from these new residents as they do their shopping in the city.  "The important thing is to get this project started before the city goes out of business.

Since the city wants to encourage innovation, it will also be building a special office building for entrepreneurs and patent attorneys, who will be given a 20-year free lease.  Also, in order to encourage young people to stay in the area, the city will be building some upscale bars in the downtown area, and will give a 20-year free lease to those properties as well.

In addition, the city will be asking for federal funding for a light rail project, to carry business people between the airport and downtown at a cost to taxpayers of $300 for each rider.  "Isn't it exciting what we can accomplish when we set our minds to it?"  remarked the Mayor.